About a month ago, I was called to be the Relief Society president in our ward. It has felt pretty heavy. I get nervous a lot, but I truly do love the people of this ward. They are good and kind and always willing to show me some love. One of the really difficult things for me is asking people about their lives. It isn't that I don't care or am not interested. It is more about habits. I was taught to not be nosy. It was rude to be a gossip or ask too many personal questions. It is probably why making friends as an adult has been a little bit difficult. I have pretty high walls of privacy sometimes. As the Relief Society president, I am supposed to know when people are sick or sad or suffering. Getting past feelings of being nosy is hard.
I will admit that I had gotten out of the habit of going to meetings. There are many meetings these days. Presidency meetings, ward council, and meeting with the bishop. Lots of visits, too. I had become very comfortable with being home most nights and reading or having the married kids stop by for a visit. Those days don't happen much right now.
Another stressful thing was being asked to speak in sacrament meeting this week. The bishop asked me a month ago, so I have had a lot of time to ponder and stew over what I could say about Finding Joy in Our Lives. I gave a redacted version of the talk that I will copy and paste into this post. I am so happy to have it over with.
I do know that being the Relief Society president is a lot of work, but like everything else, it is only for a season. It will also likely be the last opportunity I have to serve in a leadership calling simply because I am getting older. I am trying to be happy, productive, and listen to the Spirit. I won't be perfect at this calling, but I am trying to be an adequate disciple.
Finding Joy in Our Lives
As I have pondered the concept of “joy” for the past several weeks, I am curious to know what your experiences have been and how you have worked to cultivate joy. Because that is what is required to have a life filled with joy; work and experience. Mortal life is often difficult and many times we confuse situational happiness with enduring joy. Happiness is often associated with experiences or things and lasts for as long as the good times roll, whereas joy is a state of mind that can be present even in times of grief or pain.
In the church we often hear the Plan of Salvation referred to as the Plan of Happiness and Nephi teaches that he and his people eventually lived after the manner of happiness. We can follow the example of Nephi and his people and feel happy, working towards joy. Interestingly, in the 1828 edition of Webster’s dictionary (and the definition Joseph Smith and his contemporaries would have been familiar with), explains that, “happiness is comparative. To a person distressed with pain, relief from that pain affords happiness . . . and Perfect happiness or pleasure unalloyed with pain, is not attainable in this life.” Even the author of that early 19th century text understood that happiness isn’t always going to be present. Life has its ups and down. But the comment that “perfect happiness is not attainable in this life” might not be accurate when looked at through a gospel lens.
Lehi teaches in the Book of Mormon that “men are that they might have joy.” However, in that same chapter, Lehi teaches his son, Jacob, that there is “opposition in all things”, but that God will consecrate his afflictions for his gain. This narrative happens over and over again throughout the scriptures. Good versus evil. Happiness vs sorrow. The consistent message being that to overcome misery and attain joy, we need a Savior. We need Jesus Christ. We need the salvation and redemption that Christ offers not just to obtain forgiveness for our sins, but to help us find joy in a fallen, mortal existence.
In this context, Jesus Christ offers more than a helping hand during times of stress or difficulty. He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. The true way to find joy in life. So if Christ’s way is the best way, how do we do it in a fallen, corrupt world? This is the work part of finding joy.
I grew up in a family culture where work took many forms, but all of it was good. Doesn’t mean I loved it most of the time, but learning to do things that were physically difficult like getting up early, practicing a skill, pulling weeds, etc. Taught me that work could result in beautiful things and feelings of satisfaction. Learning to exercise my mind by reading and writing, controlling my tongue, listening to others, and looking for the good in the world was another kind of work that sometimes took more effort than mowing the lawn or some other physical chore. Exercising my spiritual muscles was another type of work that I still work on daily. Praying with sincerity and with intent can be difficult. Making scripture study a priority takes diligent effort. When my children were young and all at home, having consistent Family Home Evening with the intention of actually teaching something and not descending into chaos was WORK. All of these things have brought me joy. Sometimes quickly, sometimes eventually.
In our modern world, work has gotten a bad reputation. But I think that is one of the cunning lies of the devil. If we want to become more like Jesus Christ and our Father in Heaven and find the joy that they promise, we need to follow their examples. In Moses 1:39 we learn about God’s ultimate work. “For behold, this is my work and my glory to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man.” We are His work, and He asks us to work with Him to bring ourselves, our families, and as many of His children as we can, to learn of Him and come closer to Him.
How can we work to find joy? These are a few of the ways that I have learned throughout my life to overcome some of my tendencies of the “natural man” or woman and enjoy more joy.
Changing my perspective or as Pres. Nelson puts it, “Think Celestial.” I think that this may be part of the blessings of getting a little older, but it is often easier to see God’s tender mercies and blessings from a position of hindsight. It is one reason keeping a journal or sharing our experiences in some other form is such wise prophetic counsel. When we look back on an event, we can learn from it. When we think about a conversation, a lesson, a person we admire, or something that was inspiring in the moment, it becomes powerful. I don’t personally believe that “everything happens for a reason.” I do believe that we exercise our agency to learn from our experience, good and bad. For example, during a particularly exhausting time when my kids ranged in age from 4 to 12, I was lonely and didn’t really know what my purpose was besides caring for children. I decided to start a blog to practice writing down a few experiences and for my parents and siblings to read. It was a journal of sorts and at the time, it was a mental coping strategy. However, as I go back and read some of the entries from those years that I was writing regularly, it makes me smile and laugh. Now that my children are adults, I am more compassionate with that 30-something mom who was just trying to maintain the peace at home and find a little joy in the relentlessness of parenting. I look back at specific events and notice God’s timing and how he blessed this child or that experience. Taking time to think about things with a “long range view” or thinking celestial helps to lessen the pressure of having all of the answers right now.
Service. I had a great conversation with a former coworker a couple of weeks ago. He is serving as a senior service missionary coordinator and was telling me about some of the wonderful experiences he and his wife are having. He said something that struck me as particularly profound. He said, “If you want to know if someone actually has charity, ask them to serve.” So true! If charity is the pure love of Christ, it is acting how Christ would act. It is serving God’s children in all of its many varieties. One of the paradoxes of today is the narrative of, “I don’t want a calling. I have too much to do already.” or sometimes it might sound like, “I don’t want to be responsible for such and such, so if I avoid the bishop’s phone calls, I won’t have to do it.” I heard this perspective a lot while serving in the Young Single Adult ward. The paradox is that everyone wants to feel connected and valued. Everyone wants to get to know the people at church and feel like a ward family. But how can you feel connected to a group or cause if you are a passive observer? I can tell you from personal experience that the best way to feel connected to the people around you is to serve them. When you serve your neighbor you grow your connection. Is having a conversation over the fence serving? Yes! Is accepting an invitation to pray in a class serving? Yes! Whenever a YSA would lament to me that they didn’t have any great skill to share, I would tell them that my most used talents have been washing dishes and setting up and taking down chairs. Even those simple skills have allowed me to make friends and feel like a contributor. Sometimes our service requires more time and effort, and sometimes our service looks different due to being very young or getting older. But developing personal connections, being a contributor, and approaching service as being on the Lord’s errand, cultivates joy.
Being Content. There is a wise saying, “Comparison is the thief of Joy.” It can also be said as, “Thou shalt not covet.” Or “Thou shalt have no other gods before Me.” We live in a “things” driven society. We carry around in our pocket or purse the ultimate comparison tool. Living in such a “connected” time of the world can be overwhelming. Learning to look for validation from our Heavenly Father rather than from random strangers and standards on the internet will bring so much joy. There are research studies from the past few years that are revealing how spending so much time “online” is affecting our mental health. Young and old are affected. We see vacations, fashion, more and more things that the so-called happy people are experiencing and we could feel like we must not be experiencing “our best lives”. We are also bombarded by a plethora of information. More than we can ever find useful. Much of it is confusing or deliberately manufactured to get us discouraged, enraged, or wanting something. Learning to be content takes so much practice. This isn’t an excuse for doing nothing. It is a reminder to stop measuring our worth by what others deem the measuring stick. Christ said in the Doctrine and Covenants, “ Remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God; For, behold, the Lord your Redeemer suffered death in the flesh; wherefore he suffered the pain of all men, that all men might repent and come unto him.” (D&C 18:10-11) Why did He choose to suffer all of that pain if we were not worth that pain and agony? He did it because He loves each one of us and He knows we are worth that price. We should strive to love Him as He loves us. When we are so focused on being acceptable to the world, we are putting others before Him. Find peace in knowing your worth in God’s eyes.
Be Grateful. In a general conference talk from April 2023, Elder Gary Sabin related the story of his daughter receiving a lung transplant. He told of when his daughter was eventually taken off of oxygen following her surgery she started to cry. When asked why she was crying, she said, “It just feels so good to breathe.” Elder Sabin testified that he now thanks his Heavenly Father morning and night for being able to breathe. When was the last time you looked at something that basic and fundamental as a blessing and expressed gratitude for it? What are you grateful for? Make a list. Express your gratitude to Heavenly Father in your prayers. Express your gratitude to people around you that you appreciate. When you wake up in the morning, think of something you are grateful for before you even get out of bed. Practice being grateful and you will get better at it. If you are struggling with noticing the blessings in your life. Start with something simple. Go outside. Look at the beautiful blue sky, listen to the sounds around you, feel the cool air on your face, smell the earth around you. Be grateful to be alive. It is a beautiful day today, and I am grateful to be alive and living in Taylor surrounded by good people.
Joy is possible in this life, but it will take time and some diligent work to cultivate it. However, if Adam and Eve could find joy after being cast out of a perfect, idyllic garden away from the presence of Heavenly Father, we can, too. In Moses 5:10-11 we read, “And in that day Adam blessed God and was filled, and began to prophesy concerning all the families of the earth, saying:
“Blessed be the name of God, for because of my transgression my eyes are opened, and in this life I shall have joy, and again in the flesh I shall see God. And Eve, his wife, heard all these things and was glad, saying: Were it not for our transgression we never should have had seed, and never should have known good and evil, and the joy of our redemption, and the eternal life which God giveth unto all the obedient.”
We learn from this passage of scripture that Adam, despite the difficulty of his current situation, was able to be full of the Spirit leading him to prophesy. He and Eve both acknowledged that life was, and would continue to be difficult, but knowing that Jesus Christ offered them redemption, they were glad and could praise God. That is a pattern for us to follow.
I know that mortality is a fallen state filled with good and evil, sorrow and happiness. Section 101 of the Doctrine and Covenants is a response to Joseph Smith during a very difficult and dangerous time for the early Saints. Mobs were threatening the lives of these people and destroying their property. Many were not only discouraged, but terrified. I imagine feeling anything but fear and despair would have been a huge challenge. Christ’s response to the Saints during this horrific time is instructive, “Wherefore, fear not even unto death; for in this world your is not full, but in me your joy is full.” If we look at situations in life to define whether or not we feel joy, we will often be disappointed and discouraged. If we instead focus on the Savior and what He offers us, focus on how we can learn to feel the Spirit more abundantly and take comfort and strength from the covenants we have made, and work to be more grateful for everything, we will feel more joyful.
We are that we might have joy.
In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.
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