#HearHim

Today Pres. Nelson released an invitation to members of the Church (and to the world, really) to ponder on how they hear the voice of the Lord in their personal lives. " How do you hear Him?" I have been thinking about that this afternoon and not that I expected to receive any life changing revelation, but I had an experience this evening while fixing dinner that I think sheds some light on how I "hear" Him.

I found an audio book on the Deseret Bookshelf Plus app called I Saw the Lord: Joseph's First Vision Combined from Nine Accounts by Kerry Muhlestein. It is a short book, but I decided to listen to it on the way home from work. I was enjoying it so much, I listened to it again while fixing dinner. As I was working/listening, I was alone in the house. I was pondering on something the author had said about the effects of Satan's influence on Joseph Smith as he was attempting to pray. It was a phrase about how Satan uses despair, feelings of powerlessness, and hopelessness to drive away our faith and ability to "feel" the Spirit or to prevent us from seeking further the influence of God. (Or something in that vein of thought.) At that moment, I had the distinct thought, "You are fighting off feelings of depression again. That is why you are so tired and struggle to be motivated. Satan is using those feelings of discouragement to tell you to quit trying." It was a revelation for me.

I have been stressed out for months with Todd's trials of being falsely accused, worried about him having a job, losing his job, even feeling betrayed by the Church as business, and through it all trying to be the positive spouse, working full-time, managing the dwindling bank account, planning a wedding, and basically just doing all the mom jobs and mom things. Now for some that might not be a big deal, but I think I am getting worn out. My feelings of anxiety were oppressive last week on different days and I truly couldn't pinpoint a reason why. I think that I have been so worried about Todd's depression over his situation and trying to maintain a level of normalcy at home that I have diligently ignored how all of this has been affecting me. 

My point is this, I hear the voice of the Lord speaking to my mind in thoughts mostly. I feel the witness of the Spirit in a warm, often emotional, way.  But impressions to do things, revelations about myself and my family, stuff like that most often comes in thoughts and words coming into my mind. Even the impression to not only write down my experience and thoughts, but to write them in this blog that I have ignored for years, is due to those kinds of impressions/thoughts. When I surround myself with spiritual food (conference talks, spiritually uplifting music and books, and just allowing myself to think on things) these kinds of revelations come more easily. I needed this revelation about heading towards depression today. Just Sunday I was feeling defeated, tired, not wanting to go to Church or do my calling. I was thinking throughout the services at church, "Why am I not feeling the Spirit like I want? Why do I wish I didn't have a calling?" Yes, I am a slow learner because I have had these feelings many times, but usually they are during a battle with depression. Rather than telling myself I was spiraling into a dark time, I was ignoring the signs. Now, I can be more proactive and thoughtful. Will it cure things? Maybe not, but it will help me be more aware of my thoughts and actions, and be more open and honest with Todd.

I am grateful today to be able to #HearHim. I will keep trying.